“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” -Anne Bradstreet

Mothers know all about seasons of life.  How difficult and endless some can feel, only to look back and realize how fleeting it really was.  I know firsthand just how endless some of those seasons feel- my middle child literally screamed for the first nine months of her life.  This Mama came close to snapping.  I’m on the crazy end of the spectrum as it is, and she nearly knocked me out!  It was the longest year of my life.  However, it’s all kind of faded into memories now and I realize it was just a season.

Motherhood is not glamorous.  Homeschooling certainly isn’t glamorous.  I struggle BIG time with looking for the next season to arrive without enjoying the present.  All I’m really doing is allowing satan to steal my joy.  I read a blog just this morning of a fabulous Mom who is an artist, travels the world, has been featured in both fashion and design magazines, and seemingly has the perfect life.  I had to quit reading because I could literally feel myself becoming more and more envious.  It’s all madness, because I have a wonderful life and I don’t have to look far to see how blessed I am.  It’s just amazing how quickly the grass can look greener somewhere else.

I’m just throwing this out there in an effort to keep it real:  I never in a billion years thought I would homeschool.  I am far from the ‘stereotypical’ homeschool Mom.  My kids are not on a set schedule, I don’t make my own bread, we’re not all natural, we vaccinate, we only have 3 kids, I don’t make my own soap, nor do I even own a denim jumper or skirt.  (before anyone gets offended, I’m saying this tongue in cheek- hence the word ‘stereotypical’.  If you have super long hair and wear a denim jumper- more power to you!)  There are many ways I feel like I don’t fit in with most homeschool Moms.  In my mind- up until a couple of years ago- I truly thought once my kids were of age, I’d happily ship them off to the local school and paint the days away.  That’s why it hit me like a ton of bricks upside the head when the Lord made it clear we were to homeschool.  My little ideas of what my days would hold certainly wouldn’t be for this season.

I see other Moms who work outside the home, juggle multiple children along with all the duties of the household, and do it remarkably well.  My hat is off to them.  I don’t know how they do it, I really, really don’t.  If there’s some secret formula out there that I’m just not privy to, for goodness sakes PLEASE pass it along to me!

Confession: I secretly want a housekeeper.  Not so secretly now, I guess.  Honestly, I’d feel too guilty because what stay at home Mom has a housekeeper?  Turns out plenty do.  I have the inner turmoil of teaching my children responsibilities, being a good steward with money, and thinking how much lower my stress level would be if someone else did the dirty work.

If I could change how anxious a dirty house makes me feel, believe me I would.  There’s no way it’s normal to feel the level of anxiety I do just because the house is messy.  My poor family, bless them.  Other people’s homes don’t make me feel that way, so please don’t cross me off your invite list thinking I’m going to show up ready for an inspection.  I don’t know why I stress about it, it’s not like Southern Living is going to knock on my door and ask for a photo shoot.  It’s the rare days where I just say, “bump it, nothing is getting picked up today”, that the surprise guest shows up.  If you’ve never seen an anxiety attack firsthand, show up on my doorstep unannounced.  I promise I’m trying to get better.  I constantly remind myself that one day, when this season has passed and my kids are older, I will miss the mess.

I recently struggled with wanting to be a travel agent on the side.  That’s one of my dream jobs.  I LOVE to travel, and I’m crazy good at planning.  I prayed and prayed about it.  You know when you pray about something already knowing the Lord is saying ‘not now’, but you keep at it thinking He’ll change His mind?  Is that just me?  I simply don’t have the time with the ages my children are now and homeschooling.  It would be detrimental to the family at this point, as much as I hated to admit it.  And believe me, I hated to admit it.

I struggle with not painting like I want.  I’ve turned down numerous opportunities because of time.  Again, hated to admit it.  The Lord, along with my husband, made it clear that it’s just not meant to be for this season.  It was then that the Lord all but verbally reminded me that I will only have my children here with me for a short time, while the other stuff will always be there waiting when the season is right.

I feel like a horrible mother for not being more thankful for the opportunity I have every day to pour into my children.  Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not trying to throw a pity party and say “woe is me, I sacrifice so much!”  I know how I sound, and I hate it.  I know full well what a privilege and blessing it is that I get to stay home with my children, and most days I enjoy it.  Most days.  It’s the not so enjoyable days where satan creeps in and reminds me of the greener grass.  How much better it will be if the next season would just hurry up and get here.

I think the saying goes, “The days may be long, but the years are short.”  Something like that.  My oldest daughter took great delight in announcing the other day that she only had nine more years of school before she finished high school.  Good grief.  This Mama is on enough meds as it is.  Am I the only Mom out there who plays back things that have happened, wondering if that’s what is going to come up in your child’s future therapy sessions?  Yeah, I’m going out on a limb and saying it’s just me.  Like pretty much anytime I yell at my kids, or they see me cry, I’m mentally tallying up therapy fees.  I feel like I have two main goals for my children: 1) to love and serve the Lord with their whole hearts  2) to not be royally screwed up by their Mom.

So today, I choose to be content in this season the Lord has given me.  Some days it feels like the dead of winter, but my winter is someone else’s spring.  And really, I’m just thankful for God’s grace to get me through it all.