If you know me at all, you know I love to talk.  I am usually not shy about sharing my opinions and beliefs on various matters.  Silence is especially difficult for me.  My Dad once offered me $5 if I could avoid making nervous small talk and simply sit and wait on a particularly quiet family member to speak.  Needless to say, I didn’t earn the $5.  For anyone that has paid any attention to this little blog of mine, you know that I haven’t posted since March.  8 months.  I hit a wall.  I didn’t know what else to say.  I had plenty I wanted to say, but it was as if the Lord came down and told me to just shut up and get off the blog for the time being.  Amazingly, in that 8 months, He has provided numerous opportunities for me to share my testimony with others and encourage those who’ve doubted just how amazing God’s grace really is.  For the record, I’m far more comfortable writing out my thoughts than verbally sharing them in front of people.  I was notorious for breaking out in head-to-toe hives every time it was my turn to give the oral book report in school.  Speech class in college nearly made me hyperventilate.  Thankfully, it’s gotten better over time, and the Lord has been beyond gracious in helping me be more  comfortable in front of others.

Eight months is a long time.  These 8 months, particularly the last 3, have been some of the most difficult of my entire life.  It’s one of those times that when it hits, you know it’s building your testimony, but that doesn’t make it any easier.  I’m holding on to the faith that one day I’ll be able to share some of these dark times, and point out how God made a way and made me a better person through it.  I’m still in the muck and mire of it now, and that faith is what gives me hope it won’t last forever.

I learned some things about myself in these months.  I learned that I am most definitely not one of those Moms who thrives on constant activity.  You know what I’m talking about.  The Mom whose Instagram feed is filled with the hustle and bustle of running this way and that, with this child playing ball here, that child competing in gymnastics there, and Mom balancing it all seamlessly.  I have a theory about that Mom- either she is one of the rare breeds that really, truly thrives on the constant chaos, or she is drowning and desperately trying to make it all look good on the outside, while knowing there’s no real ‘togetherness’ in the family.  Maybe there’s an in-between.  I don’t know.  I just know that I have learned the hard way that reducing my family’s outside activities is the key to a happier household.  That’s what works for us.  Otherwise, my kids are exhausted, (which I don’t think is something to boast about- I’ve seen it on social media- “My kids are exhausted, but they love it!” No.  Just NO) and they get the added bonus of a stressed out Mom.  That’s a recipe for disaster in my book.

Even extra church activities can add to the chaos and stress.  I know that’s not the “Christian” thing to say, but honestly- you are no less of a Christian for not signing up and agreeing to every little thing that is asked of you.  I may be voted out the tribe for saying that, but I’ll chalk that up to another thing I learned the hard way.   I know all too well what it’s like to overdo my schedule out of guilt, and feeling like ‘well So and So will think less of me if I don’t sign up, so here goes!’, only to completely stress my family out in the process.  I just don’t see where heading something up or organizing some event that will only drag my family down in the days and weeks preceding it is glorifying to the Lord.  My children are my first ministry.  I don’t take that for granted anymore.  I get that some things are necessary, and if everyone abandoned their posts, nothing would happen in the church.  I’m referencing the extra things that we do solely out of guilt, and not out of the Lord’s calling.

I really think more Christians need to learn when to sit down and just be quiet.  Silence can be deafening, yes, but more often than not, it’s necessary to grow and learn.  One side of my family is infamous for how quiet they are.  I’ve joked my entire life that I’m the black sheep because to me, dinner time involves more than counting chews and staring at one another.  But solitude and silence can also lead to a peace like no other.  I think sometimes we’re almost scared to be alone with our thoughts.  Or alone with God.  Almost like we’re afraid of what we’ll find out about ourselves, or what God has to say to us.  What I’m witnessing on social media after this crazy election season proves my theory that sometimes Christians are better off keeping their mouths shut.  I’m not referencing standing firm on the Word of God, I’m talking about antagonistic words that only stir the pot.  It makes it easy to see why others pile all Christians together as ‘intolerant and hateful’.  One can still share Jesus and be a light in the darkness without disparaging words and divisiveness.

Be still.  Some of my favorite words in the book of Psalms are in chapter 46 and verse 10:  “Be still and know that I am God.”  I don’t do the whole ‘being still’ thing very well.  Even if it’s mindlessly scrolling on my phone, I feel the need to constantly be doing something- anything.  I have learned it’s necessary for what’s left of my sanity to force myself to stop and be still.  Silence in a house with three little ones is next to impossible.  Especially when one is a wild, strong-willed, 3 year old boy.  So sometimes it’s necessary to get away, even if it’s locking myself in the bathroom, or getting up at an ungodly hour, just to be still and silent.  It’s amazing how clear one’s mind can become in those precious quiet moments.  And as humbling as it is to admit, I learned the world does indeed continue to function quiet well without me in it trying to control things.

I don’t pretend that I’m changing the world or really making any impact at all with this blog.  I know it’s something the Lord wanted me to do, so if one person continues to read it or one hundred, it’ll be okay.  I have ideas and plans, but am waiting to see what will actually come to fruition.  I’m excited for what lies ahead.  Sometimes sitting down and shutting up can be the best thing to ever happen.