Well, it’s that time of year again.  The holidays are upon us!  As I’m writing this, it just turned midnight, which means tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Tomorrow.  Wow.  I feel like I should still be laying on the beach enjoying the last days of summer.  I’m finally learning what all the “old” people meant growing up when they said time goes much faster when you’re older.  Unfortunately for me, this magical flying of time brings anxiety.  Like the super-duper-max-out-my-meds anxiety.  Not that it’s fun for anyone to admit that, but for a Christian, I feel like it’s a form of heathenism.  I mean, just WHAT kind of Christian doesn’t love counting their blessings, knowing they’re “too blessed to be stressed”. (Fun fact: I detest that phrase.  Along with several of “Christianese” phrases.  But that’s neither here nor there.)  And Christmas, WOW.  I mean, we are celebrating the birth of OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!  Just what kind of backslidden Christian does not get excited?

Oh have mercy, those blessed Christmas countdowns.  My heart palpitations began in July when someone innocently posted on Facebook how many Fridays there were until Christmas.  Bless their heart.  I knew then it wasn’t looking good for me in the med department.  If I can just avoid the massive midnight Christmas Eve meltdown I had last year that I’m pretty sure scared my husband senseless, then I’ll call this year a win.

I recently read an article saying that one should avoid family get-togethers if ‘they are detrimental to one’s mental health’.  Well in that case, I would’ve been a no-show at approximately 90% of family events in my 36 years here on earth.  And I know the saying that you cannot feel insecure unless you allow others to make you feel that way, but good grief, as a ball of insecurity on a good day, social gatherings in general (particularly involving food) are just not my jam.  Does that mean I hole up in my house and don’t go?  NOPE.  By the grace of God and meds, I make it.  I’ll probably nervously chatter non-stop the entire time, but I make it!

Here’s the thing about me, and I know countless others (although it seems silly to many, and God bless you if it does, because you’re one of the lucky ones it does not affect) but just the thought of all the food that comes with the holidays can be very overwhelming.  I’ve been an open book about my past struggles with an eating disorder, and I hope I’ve been clear that it’s an ongoing daily struggle I have in my relationship with food.  I wish I could say after my “come to Jesus” moment, I was completely cured and never had any body-image issues ever again, but it’s just not the case.  I have a hard enough time being around people when I eat, much less at a big gathering.  If I’m being completely honest, there’s many times I cannot even eat at the table with my own family (as in just my husband and kids)- how’s that for normal?  Never ever did I think I would still deal with these things at 36-happily married to a supportive husband, with 3 beautiful children.  But here I am, in all my very imperfect glory, praying I’m not completely messing up those 3 beautiful children.

I know this from years of treatment in the eating disorder community, but I’m pretty sure it stands for anyone dealing with any other addiction issue: you begin the day with certain goals, and if/when those goals aren’t attained, you feel like a massive failure.  And then all bets are off, because in your mind, you’ve already failed.  From a food perspective it may mean, I ate one “bad food”, so now I may as well consume all the “bad foods” in the entire house.  There are many, many problems with this obviously, but really what it boils down to is it leaves out room for GRACE.   My weight doesn’t measure my self-worth. My identity is in Christ alone. It’s up to me to truly believe it and take it to heart.  If I gain weight or lose weight, my worth is not affected. (this is something I have to tell myself literally daily) Many people with eating disorders, anxiety issues, etc. are classic perfectionists.  We want control.  We want to achieve our version of perfection, whatever that may be, which just is not possible.  We will always, always fall short in some way.  What I’m having to remind myself for the umpteenth time is that I need to give myself heaps and heaps of grace and stop demanding perfection.

Being your own worst enemy is satan’s playground.  He knows our weaknesses, and he loves to prey on them.  He knows what is taboo to discuss, and he loves secrets.  For us to hide in darkness.  I know I ramble and reveal probably far too much about myself, but I know in my heart others can relate to my struggles.  I read the DMs and private messages and texts.  I know how hard it is, especially as a Christian, to admit any struggle.

We cannot leave out room for grace.  God’s Word is full of His mercy and grace time after time after time.  Give yourself GRACE, and stop with the constant disappointment.

I want this post-and bless you if you’re still reading-to speak to a young (or maybe not so young girl- or boy) who is already taking note of what they will be and won’t be eating tomorrow and how the calories can be burned; how they will handle Aunt So and So if she says something about weight, etc.  Give yourself GRACE.  Believe me, I’m speaking to myself BIG time here, because I’ve worried about the foods for weeks now.**not fun to admit that** I want this post to speak to the frazzled Mom who spends most days wondering if she’s screwing up her kids.(raised hand emoji here) Give yourself GRACE.  I want this post to speak to anyone who is struggling to throw together the Pinterest-perfect holiday, because that’s what you think is expected of you.  Give yourself GRACE.   I want this post to speak to the person who is a ball of anxiety because you don’t have the finances to do much for your children this Christmas.  Children don’t expect nearly as much as you think they do, they want your time more than anything.  Give yourself GRACE.  I want this post to speak to the person who looks in the mirror and feels disappointed.  Give yourself GRACE.

Grace, NOT perfection, is the key.  I wish I could say it’s the magic cure-all and your life will be all rainbows once you accept it.  But it may very well be a daily choice you have to consistently make.  I know when I feel ‘the darkness’ (my quaint little term for when I am going in to deep depression) that I still have to make the choice to remind myself God’s grace isn’t going to run out.  His mercies are new EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING.  And Hallelujah for that, because I sure need them.

“For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”- John 1:16

***Side Note: I realize nearly everything about the above picture is “off”, from the lettering, to how the lettering is centered, it’s just not that great.  As I went to trash it and start over, it hit me that this is exactly what I needed because it is most definitely NOT perfection.  It is now my visual reminder of what I need on a daily basis.