My name is Ashleigh, and I’m scared of the mirror. Yep- I haven’t written a blog post in three years, and that’s my opening line. I am scared of the mirror. And the clothes in my closet scare me, and while we’re at it, throw in scales too. Yep, I’m the annoying one at the doctor who stands on the scale backwards and begs the nurse to not say a number. Why? I hitch my self-worth to my weight, as much as I preach against it. “Rules for thee, but not for me” could be my mantra, because I can give motivational speeches all day long, remind them we’re all made in God’s image, it does not matter our size- we are children of God and that’s all that matters- but applying it all to myself is a seemingly losing battle. I’m now 40 years old and right where I did not want to be: still struggling.

I don’t adapt well to change, or rather I don’t handle change in a healthy manner. If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts, you know I’m an open book on my life of disordered eating. I’ve struggled since the age of 8. Bulimia and atypical Anorexia are daily-sometimes minute by minute- battles, which I never imagined would still be even in my vocabulary at my age. When I was in a support group twenty years ago, I looked with pity at the forty-somethings telling of their struggles as they also raised children amidst an eating disorder. I remember vowing to myself that would never, ever be me. How could anyone be a mother and have these issues? Oooooo boy, did I have a lot to learn. This year alone has thrown more changes my way than I ever thought possible. Not only did I have a mini (okay full-blown) identity crisis at turning 40, my last remaining homeschooled child decided middle school was for her. Anyone who has homeschooled knows this feeling, especially if you’ve homeschooled for any length of time. For 12 years, I’ve had at least part of my identity wrapped up in homeschooling. It’s not just an educational choice, it’s a lifestyle, and we took full advantage of the flexbility it offered. Now, with all three of my children in public school, playing sports, and being involved in other activities, my life completely revolves around that school calendar. And I’m not the kind of person who thrives off of busyness. I have severe social anxiety with the act of an extrovert, so it takes a lot for me to be out and about. I now have to ask pointed questions to my children to know what’s going on with their education, whereas I’d been completely immersed before. It’s almost a mourning period of knowing that ‘season of life’ (can’t be a Christian blog post without that phrase!) is over. Wondering if I was enough, blaming myself for any shortcomings, and wondering if I took all those moments together for granted.

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you also know I have a severely disabled sister. My only sibling, who I am convinced is an angel. Due to sudden unforeseen circumstances, she was without a home health worker, and the job fell to my parents 24/7. They are not in good health themselves, and only continued to get worse as the months ticked by with no help. It’s safe to say I stormed heaven and earth to find help. God shut doors right and left, shutting windows and even peepholes. We had no choice but to make the wrenching decision to place her in a skilled nursing facility. Granted, it’s the Disney of facilities and we know many who work there, but to say this is life-altering is an understatement. What little emotional stability I had has been gone for a while now.

If you have an addictive personality, you have my condolences, because it can be a doozy. Change is hard, and can throw even the most ‘recovered’ person for a loop. I still do not understand how it seems that drug and alcohol addiction are “easier” to talk about than eating disorders. I’ve said this before: you know someone with an eating disorder. Trust me. I live in the middle of nowhere, and I know several right here. But to many it’s hush-hush, because of the stigma. And even within the eating disorder community, Anorexia is considered “better” than Bulimia. Social media has perpetuated so much of the ‘perfectionism’- that had it existed when I was younger, I honestly don’t know if I’d still be alive. Someone very close to me was recently diagnosed with an eating disorder, and with full transparency here: it has thrown me for a tailspin. Throw in a new ‘cocktail’ of anxiety meds with the number one side effect of weight gain, and it’s the recipe for disaster. I am so thankful for the amazing support system I have, but I can’t help but wonder about those without that luxury.

Know without a doubt that eating disorders do not always show themselves as obvious. It’s not just the super skinny teen girl- in fact, statistics state that group is now the minority. Talk to people, let them know you care. Eating disorders are all about control, and most often accompanied by depression and/or anxiety, as well as other disorders in many cases. And I promise you your school/work/church are full of people struggling with something. Care enough to go behind someone’s smile, and if you’re Southern- the, “I’m doing just fine”. Care enough to check in if someone hasn’t been around as much, seems standoffish, or just extra quiet. If they seem like they’re constantly fidgeting and smoothing their clothes. I often wear a hat and big cardigan or oversized dress, and I joke it’s my emotional support clothing…but really I do feel somewhat “hidden” and somehow less self-conscious. Never tell someone to “just eat’, or try to offer them diet advice. It’s not about food. I’ve been in survival mode for going on 6 months, and I’ll be the first to say food is not the issue. Yet, those of us who deal with disordered eating HAVE to learn how to have a relationship with food. Unlike the alcoholic who does not require alcohol to live: food is a life source.

I am admittedly overly-sensitive on the topic of diets, weight, and all things food, but I feel it’s for good reason. Most who struggle with eating disorders come from generations of some type of addiction, including disordered eating. But just because it’s generational doesn’t mean it cannot be stopped. I knew as soon as I became a Mom, it would be my mission to stop it all. Unfortunately, here I am at 40 with three children, and can hardly sit at the table for a meal with my family. I joke I need a therapy fund instead of a college fund for my children, because bless it, they have a lot to unpack having me as a mom. Never think though that somehow a “generational curse” is inevitable, as surprisingly many Christians do. With God, ALL things are possible, including putting a stop to generations of addiction, abuse, or whatever it may be.

Since I first started posting and being such an open book, (too much of one for some, but that’s okay- I know the Lord is in this) I’ve received countless messages from women and men of all ages and had hours of conversations with people regarding not just eating disorders, but anxiety, depression, panic attacks, medications, and counseling. Some are literally scared to even get help for fear of what others may think. It’s okay not to be okay. Let’s say that once again a little louder: IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. And it’s perfectly okay to be a Christian and see a therapist and take medicine if necessary. Christians cannot live perfect lives, no matter how great the Instagram filter may look. No matter if you are in charge of everything at church, work, or school, and you look like you have it all together. Everyone has something, and I believe it’s to make us rely even more on the Lord. I wish I could say I’ve been a great example of this, but I fail massively…and right under my own roof with 6 little eyes watching. I’m just so thankful that God is sovereign.

In case you need reminding- that person you see in the mirror is who God was thinking of when He gave His life for you on the cross at Calvary. Yep, it’s absolutely true. No matter what my eyes see and my mind thinks of that reflection, it is showing a child of the One True King.

“The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” -John 10:10